#24 - David Robinson is Juliet

Fuck. Yeah. Juliet. DOCTOR. JULIET. BURKE. Put some stank on that name and give it the respect that it deserves(!!) AND, at the same time, it is just motherfucking Juliet to you and you, motherfucker. Juliet! Damn, I love Juliet. Juliet is fucking Madonna, is fucking Prince, is fucking Beyonce. It’s one name and it’s a lot with that one name. A whole lot. Juliet. There are some names on this show that are powerful one names like Michael or Sun where they have a full name, but yeah when you hear that one name or read it in this case and then say it in your brain it’s as people on the social medias might say and has already been coopted by boring ass people like me - it’s a whole ‘mood’. Juliet. 

Sex. Violence. Villainy. Betrayal. Salvation. Hero. She’s truly one of the most complex characters on the show and she also bangs three white men on the island. Juliet! But of course. Juliet is a doctor turned miracle worker turned into the ‘pistol-grip pump in my lap at all times’ stone cold killer of THE damn island. We’re talking about a long, lean, mean vixen and that’s David Robinson. And talking about ‘mood’, when you’re thinking about David Robinson - when that name is uttered on a breeze toward another’s eardrum - it’s an IMMEDIATE image of a skyscraper sized action figure doing the dunk or the rebound or the block and they are signewy, they are vascular, they are angular, they are THE Admiral. Damn it! Damn it, David Robinson cut a damn silhouette. What a beautiful body on this THE Dream Team-er. Gotta throw up a full body shot of these two…

Well, fucking damn to all of you for the both of them. What the hell, David? There were some arms for sure in the NBA pre-David Robinson, but as Switch said so perfectly in 1999’s THE Matrix, ‘Not like this.’ I remember they used to talk about David Robinson’s arms being that of a boxer. Would’ve been one weightlifting boxer because I’m not sure that is an apt comparison. David Robinson has armwrestling, ‘Over the Top’ style arms and shoulders. I bet if the dude took his damn shirt off, he was 7’1” with a 24 pack of abs. I don’t even know if that’s possible, possible only for Mr. Robinson. And Juliet? And Elizabeth Mitchell? A tall drink of water if there ever was one. I think back about the 1998 HBO made-for-TV movie ‘Gia’ where Angelina Jolie played THE titular Gia and someone somewhere had to make the casting decision about Gia’s love interest. So, we’re talking about sexiest woman on the planet Angelina Jolie at that critical mass of an idea moment needs a love interest? And they needed this person to be a woman for the much needed lesbian love scenes, ok? And who did they cast as the love interest of the sexiest woman on the planet? It was David Robinson’s Lost equivalent’s real life actor Elizabeth Mitchell aka Dr. Juliet Burke! BOOM! Right? Ok. And she’s a doctor! And David is fucking smart! I know I’m legit just talking about them as these powerful physical entities, but Robinson was some smarty ass nerd who plays jazz piano and got a 1320 on his SATs and was a mathematics major in college. The largest sexual organ is the brain, am I right? What? Hunh. Basketball? 

What didn’t David do? What didn’t he do? TELL ME?! NBA Champion? Yes and yes. TWO TIMES. Twice. He held that gold trophy and kissed that gold ball at 7’1” on his military lips on two separate occasions. MVP? Done it. He did it before I was even Bar Mitzvahed. That’s how long ago this shit was. 1995! He did it. You can assume he was an All Star- for a fucking decade. He was on that First Team, he was on that Defensive First Team, he was on that 50th Anniversary Team, he was on the All-Rookie Team, and he was on the aforementioned THE DREAM TEAM. The holiest of THE teams. He did it his whole career and even before it was a literal career as he was THE hot shit in college too- player of the year, USA basketball’s man of the year, #1 damn draft pick out of the fucking Navy. He’s a fucking troop! A troop did it to them. A troop did it to all of them! And when that troop took it pro- Rookie of the year in the NBA! Over 20,000 points (was a scoring champ too), over 10,000 rebounds (obviously was a rebounding leader), and almost 3,000 blocks (he led that too).

Juliet? She got a woman with cancer pregnant! BOOM- get out the way! It was her sister and she somehow figured out how to get this cancerous woman pregnant. And that’s what she did before THE island. That’s Juliet killing it in college ball is the cancer pregnancy. Then she’s a #1 draft pick to THE island. The Spurs? How did they do it? Well, I assume they must’ve sucked the year or so prior and that’s how they got the #1 draft pick plus a little luck because of the odd/dumb as fuck lottery system the NBA does. Juliet? Well, Richard Alpert and Jacob had a bus crash into and kill Juliet’s ex-husband and employer causing her to have no working commitments to stop her from joining THE island’s medical team. There’s that. And then when she’s on THE island aka the San Antonio Spurs- Juliet is the fucking show. You’ve got Ben OBSESSED with her (blocks), you’ve got Goodwin OBSESSED with her (rebounds), that THE island book club got OBSESSED with her (fans and teammates of the Spurs), and Juliet becomes OBSESSED with popping pistols (points?). Juliet did not seem like a always have that gat on me type pre-THE island, but she is strapped and it’s out and it’s unloading all the time when on THE island. Juliet’s gun is only getting lighter by the second as those bullets are flying away from her and then at other people. David Robinson was gonna get in your face, get that ball from you, and get that dunk. Juliet walks out onto that beach, shoes in the sand, sand probably now in the shows, and just rat-a-tat-tats bullets into her former colleague Danny Pickett and then makes a portable call on her radio and jumps into the canoe to paddle her ass away. It’s just that simple for her. 

Let’s throw it out there- relationships. Juliet and David know how to create a nurturing relationship where they get the best out of each other. Now, Juliet does it more than once on the show, for sure. It’s not what they hired her to originally do, but man as mentioned people get OBSESSED with her and she knows how to then maximize those people’s abilities through her positive reinforcement. She does it to Jack, she does it to Kate, she does it to a bunch of them, but the main one that she does that voodoo that she do so well is Sawyer. James Ford. In this scenario, Sawyer aka James Ford is Tim Duncan. No fucking doubt we’ll see Timothy Duncan on this list probably around #10 is my guess. When the Spurs drafted Tim Duncan that’s the fucking moment of a topless Sawyer wearing wet ass jeans emerging from the ocean after just jumping out of a helicopter and Juliet is rum drunk on the beach just watching this Republican voter, international criminal (redundant) come towards her while she experiences this life altering haze. And she could’ve reacted one of two ways. Same with David Robinson. David Robinson I picture was Navy-strength gin drunk on the beach and out of the water emerges this topless Tim Duncan wearing wet ass jeans who just swam from the Virgin Islands and he’s watching this new #1 draft pick come toward him during this life altering haze of a moment. David could’ve reacted in one of two ways. Now, Juliet could’ve ignored Sawyer or acted the way she had been acting toward him the whole time up until this moment and given him shit. Instead, Juliet reacted by inviting Sawyer over to drink some rum and then she fucked him. And continued fucking him for I think 4 or 7 years and they were in love and lived together and maybe got married(?) or at least pretended they were married. What did David do? Basically, the same damn thing. Plenty of players have seen their replacement walk in the door and have fucked that whole team and situation up. That happens all the time. But toxic ego be damned! David Robinson graciously welcomed Tim Duncan to the team, became his mentor, and the two of them operated as the ‘Twin Towers’ and won two NBA championships. That’s awesome.

Fuck styles? I think I’ve covered their impressive physiques and the lengthy wealth of them. I remember another long, seductive human named Aisha Tyler talking about how at 6’ tall she would dress up in lingerie and let her husband just crawl all over her like a jungle-gym. And they’re divorced now apparently, but still that’s what having sex could be like with all these people. What I really want to point out is David Robinson’s famed growth spurts. Yeah, sexual entendre implied. But Robinson was not always the tallest kid growing up and then puberty all of a sudden just injected the fuck out of itself through his entire body. David turns into a 7’1” tall person at some point, in the end, and David was 6’6” at the end of his senior of high school, BUT what is truly INSANE is that David was 5’9” in his junior year. Holy FUCK. In one year, this kid grew 9 inches. Honestly, it seems like even less than a year he did that because the growth spurt was so sudden and noticeable that he wasn’t even on the school’s basketball team when the high school basketball team coach noticed him and told him to sign up. Dude grows another inch after that and then by the time he’s sophomore or whatever at the Navy- he’s 7’, so he grew another 5 inches and then he grows another inch on that. Fucking hell. He’s like the damn tectonic plates, just always shifting and growing. This is all to say that I believe that David Robinson has had grown in height while having sex. 

YES! He had to have! I do not know when David Robinson lost his virginity. It would be weird if I did. I also don’t know when he’s had sex, like specific times or anything. Again, that would be weird if I did. But from when he was 16 to I guess 20 years old- he was growing. Like Forrest Gump, ‘I was running!’ Robinson was growing. So, let’s say he’s having sex with a woman (he’s been married to a woman since 1991) during that span of four years. I believe that’s a very real possibility in itself. I don’t know it for a fact, but I believe he did. I feel like in Virginia, he’s 6’5”, he’s a high school senior, he’s the star basketball player of the high school, he’s all-district, he’s smart, he’s going to the Navy, he’s going to become a troop, and there’s gonna be someone having sex with him. Ok? And when they start the sex, he’s 6’5” on the dot. When the sex ends, he’s 6’5” and an 1/8th. Right?! C’mon! You know it’s true! His jeans were shorter when he put them back on! You know I’m right! You’re welcome.