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What is happening?

Good question! 
The world is caught in a stranglehold by a mysterious virus and one of the first notable casualties was the suspension of the 2019-2020 NBA season. SMASH CUT: the domino effect of cancelling live sports. SMASH CUT: ESPN floundering to replace that wealth of content with other sports-related content to fill this 24/7 media machine like replaying old playoff games of any sport one can think of, playing sports movies like 'Remember the Titans', and, the old stand-by time-filler, LISTS. Lists about players or teams or sports or whatever one can make a list about to offer as content to the sports fans in this quarantine times. 
Thus, ESPN's ranking the top 74 NBA players of all time - https://www.espn.com/nba/story/_/id/29105574/ranking-top-74-nba-players-all-nos-74-41
While ESPN was busy making this list in their quarantine, my wife and I have been busy rewatching 'Lost' on Hulu. Obviously, I decided to take the logical next step and make accurate compar…

#38 - Bob Pettit is Sarah Wagner aka Sarah Shephard

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They both pulled off miracles, they’re both attractive whites, and I’d bet good money both have real bad white/conservative politics. And I’m not only talking about Sarah, the fictional character of ‘Lost’ who survived a terrible car crash and should’ve been paralyzed from it somehow was not and believed that her spinal surgeon was the cause of saving her legs but he doesn’t believe that’s the case and either way the two end up getting married and then later divorced and that man is Jack Shephard aka the main character of ‘Lost’, but I’m talking about Julie Bowen as well. 
Let’s go roundball first- Bob Pettit played professional hoops in the NBA for one team that played in two different cities and neither team exists in those cities today. Think about that. Bob Pettit played for the Milwaukee Hawks. And then the Milwaukee Hawks became the St. Louis Hawks. And then he retired from pro hoops. And then the Hawks moved to Atlanta and have existed there for FIFTY TWO YEARS. FUCK?! Listen, B…

#39 - Walt Frazier is Noor Abed Jaseem

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Better known as Clyde and Nadia, respectively. RESPECTIVELY. C’mon! Of course, the famed and one and only point guard for the illustrious 2x NBA Championship - with a capital C - winning New York Knicks is the famed and one and only Freedom - with a capital F - Fighter - another capital F - for the illustrious Iraqi people, *and Love of Sayid Jarrah’s Life - both with as big of a capital L as one can imagine*. Yes, Noor and Walt who are much better known as Nadia and Clyde. 
Am I a New York Knickerbockers sympathizer? Sure. Have I not shown great and immense love for players and champions of many other regions in this very United States of National Basketball Association including Toronto? Of-fucking-course I have! Read these insane screeds! These impassioned essays of bizarreness. I have poured my heart out about Gary Payton, I have poured my heart out about Ray Allen, I have poured my heart out about other people who won championships for other teams that are not the Miami Heat. But …

#40 - Chris Paul is Woo-Jung Paik

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Dad. Not ‘Daddy’. Dad. An actual ‘father’. Chris Paul is an excellent point guard and all that is well and good, but his brand is ‘Dad’ now with a capital letter D and he most definitely needed to be paired with another Dad in Woo-Jung Paik aka Sun’s Dad aka CEO of Paik Heavy Industries. We’re talking about a Dad who is powerful, global, established, a giver, a bit of a demander about what’s been given, not easy to get along, but again a Dad. They’re your fucking Dad. 
Who is Chris Paul nowadays? Who is CP3? What is CP3’s legacy? That’s where we’re at with Chris Paul, we’re talking legacy. It’s crazy. I know I’m old and all at 37 and I know I suffer from the same issues as an old person and think I’m ‘young’ in that it feels crazy to me to have first hand knowledge of a FIFTEEN YEAR career of Chris Paul and for that to have been also post college. UGH. Fucking college! Yeesh. I’m crying. Nevermind. Chris Paul was a big deal, 4th overall pick from Wake Forest - I’ve always hated that sc…

#41 - Bob Cousy is George Minkowski

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Let’s be honest, who cares? On a list where Anthony Davis is ranked ahead of some truly all-time great NBAers who have won championships and defined the game, we also have Bob fucking Cousy at #41. Serious-fucking-ly? Like one second ago, I was writing about Russell Westbrook. RUSSELL FUCKING WESTBROOK. And now I’m writing about the man one ahead better of Russell fucking Westbrook is Bob Cousy. In what world does one imagine that Bob Cousy could have ever beat Russell Westbrook? Bob in his prime and Russell when he was pre-puberty. Maybe in a society where Russell Westbrook has not started the pubescent decade of his life he loses a game of basketball to fucking Bob Cousy. Yeesh. Put him on the fucking list, ok, but fucking #41?! Are we nuts?! Why even stop there? Make him #15. Make him whatever. Nothing that Bob Cousy has done would make this make more sense if you put him at #74 or #2. He played six million years ago, his stats do not hold up, he won 6 NBA championships alongside f…

#42 - Russell Westbrook is Jin-Soo Kwan

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JIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know you’re saying to yourself, ‘Is he fucking insane to put Jin this high up or low down on the list depending on how one thinks about lists because we’re at #42 and that means there are still 41 to go and is he this nuts to use Jin here and now?!’ And first, fuck you. Second, I love you and I’m sorry. Third, I am not ranking the Lost characters. Let me repeat- I AM NOT RANKING THE LOST CHARACTERS. What is happening is me saying who is who in the other thing and with that JIN, glorious and handsome and truly an MVP of THE island and the series of Lost in general, is the #42 on this ESPN NBA all-timer list aka Russell motherfucking Westbrook! 
Damn it! So, who is Russell Westbrook? First if the world ever goes back to a normalcy where the NBA operates in a similar fashion as it did pre-COVID-19 and that happens soonish, there is no reason to believe that Russell Westbrook won’t be further up or down…

#43 - Rick Barry is Dr. Leslie Arzt

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Arzt! Barry! You knew it. You knew it! Who had it on their BINGO board? Who had it?! Raise your hand. C’mon, you knew that the high percentage shooter/scorer of the ABA/NBA era famed for being a champion of both leagues and for his extraordinary use of the underhand free throw would be paired with THE island roastmaster general who was previously a doctorate having high school science teacher with an incredibly odd backstory in catfishing to Australia which I had never known before reading that like a minute ago and whose life ended in a fiery explosion. You knew it! YOU FUCKING KNEW IT. Fuck you, I’m so predictable. I know. Sorry! 
Yeah, so Rick Barry, I guess the pride of Roselle Park High School, New Jersey, scored a shit ton of points in the ABA/NBA and won a championship in both leagues, which is wild, and he was a big deal in college and he also was good at steals and yeah he’s a great ball player. So, I’m saying Rick’s high accuracy shooting is similar to Leslie’s fast and furio…

#44 - Elvin Hayes is Ana Lucia Cortez

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Hell yeah! First thing first, Michelle Rodriguez is low rise jeans. She’s the epitome of low rise jeans, she’s the ruling authority on low rise jeans, low rise jeans exist to have found Michelle Rodriguez and to live with a waist line just just just just above her mons pubis and to define a stripe of pure, naked skin below her tanktop or t-shirt or cut-off leather jacket. In Plato’s theory of forms, Michelle Rodrigues IS low rise jeans. And I obviously was going to find a picture that illustrated such, not difficult to find at all, but I was unsure if I was going to find a picture of the one and the fucking only Elvin Hayes that could match that fucking energy and BOOM - did that. Fuck, look at Elvin in that photo! If that could be bottled to be drunk, if that could be bottled to be spritzed from a diffuser, if that could be bottled into a gel and used on a poof as a body wash! IF ONLY! IF. ONLY. Fuck. Yes. 
Growing up and being into basketball and being into becoming a chubby, above a…