#30 - Steve Nash is Helen Norwood

Givers. Objectively, very attractive white people who have looked very attractive in a variety of hairstyles, but, yes, givers. Givers and speedy and they know what they want and they’re giving it to you to take. And you’ve seen them with like long hair and shoulder length hair and like ponytail and like flared out hair and they look good with all those looks. They’ve got looks and they serve them is what I think I’m saying. Serving looks and serving basketballs to larger basketballers to put those basketballs into the hoop for them and serving peace and confidence to lonely angry men who are obsessed with their very abusive fathers. Ok, so the former is more for the former and the latter is more for the latter, but they’re kind of the same thing at their core and that’s kind of what the point of this blog is, right? NASH! NORWOOD! LET’S GO!

Stephen John Nash OC OBC. What the fuck is that? CANADIANS! And he isn’t even like ‘from’ Canada. Dude’s from English/Welsh parents and was born in South Africa, but yeah did grow up his whole life in Canada, but yeah you know there are some Canadians like what the eff - an OC AND(?!?!) an OBC for this dude from South Africa? Anyway, an OC and an OBC are like knighthoods I guess and Nash earned those by being a 2x MVP of THE league and giving out 10,000+ assists in the NBA and like winning some FIBA medals for Team Canada and like showing he can play soccer too every so often and like looking cute with those thin headbands and like always having his tongue like darting around his lips and like having nice teeth even though he’s British and smiling a lot with them and kind of having this long lost Wilson brotherness to him where he’s like more conventionally attractive Luke but like he’s got a rogue charm like Owen. What am I talking about? 

HIGH PACED OFFENSE! I mean that was the name of the game for Nash. ‘First to 100 points is the winner. And then like first to 120 points because I’m not playing like any real defense’ was the Nash mentality. Nash was a fun player to watch. Through and through. And he was on some fun teams too. Nash really had two eras of fun- Nash to Dirk and Nash to Amare. And both were fun to watch. Nash to Dirk had this 70s feel with the long hair and them both being white and then Nash to Amare had this 80s feel with just all the dunks. I was more of a fan of the Amare times as I think I have a soft-spot for the Phoenix Suns - not like a gigantic one but it exists - and I don’t have one for the Dallas Mavericks. I blame Sports Illustrated for Kids. Also, I am critical of Charles Barkley, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t enjoy watching him play and didn’t root for him- quite the opposite. Also, Amare reminded me of Shawn Kemp and having an electric assistman like Nash paired with him gave me those warm feelies of the good ole’ SuperSonics days. Ok, who cares?! 

Helen, sweet, Helen Norwood. Helen meets Locke in an anger anonymous thingy and she’s down to clown immediately. She’s sopping wet listening to this man go full boomer and super cliche-y yell at the anger anonymous people that they’re just whining and have nothing to be truly angry about. And as mentioned, she’s SOPPING. She chases after him afterward, cannot stop talking about how hot he is and how she’ll be even more into him when he goes full bald- which is a crazy thing to say to someone. So, we know in the future he’s a full on skinhead, bald on THE island, but in this flashback he’s wearing a wig. And he’s got a decent amount of hair. But Helen says she’s into bald guys. And he says he’s not bald. And she says she can wait. WHAT? Who the fuck wrote that? So bizarre! Hey, your wrinkles are so sexy. Oh, I really didn’t think I had many wrinkles, I mean I’m like 35. Yeah, but I can wait and then like fuck the shit out of you when you’re even wrinlier! LET ME FUCK YOUR WRINKLES! WHAT? I don’t know. Anyway, Katey Sagal plays Helen and she’s very attractive and she’s throwing herself at Locke who is legit showing a lot of warning signs of being a psychopath from the get go. From there, they do go on a date per Helen’s insistence and then fuck like that night. Helen is on him. After that, she gives him a key to her place on their SIX MONTH ‘anniversary’. And this attractive woman is giving and giving and giving herself to this deranged man who sits in his car all night to stare at the gate of the mansion of his father’s house and then lies about it to her when she confronts him. I wouldn’t say ‘pushy’ with Helen as she is not forcing Locke to do anything, so she’s just giving him more access to her and is wanting him to take it and kind of go with her on this journey of future marriage and a normal life as opposed to the father-stalking shit that Locke’s doing. Like Locke goes on a date with Helen, laughs, shares, and then goes home with her and has penis-in-vagina sex and then he’s like, ‘I have to sneak away to stare at my scumbag father’s mansion!’ So, he’s crazy. She’s crazy for being into him, but that’s another thing. 

So, the giving and the lots of giving are assists. Right? That’s obvious. Helen is with Locke twice- pre-THE island and the parallel dimension. I’d say pre-THE island is Nash with the Mavericks as it’s good and all that, but flawed for sure. And then the parallel dimension is Nash on the Suns as it’s Helen/Nash at their best. Nash wins the MVPs and Helen is with Locke post-paralysis, so she’s like doing it ALL and she’s also gives Locke the confidence to try the new spinal surgery procedure- Helen is like I’ve been fucking you with your non-working legs and I’ll continue to do that, but if your legs ever do get functioning again then I’ll fuck you there too. She’s the MVP, Most Valuable Pu… You get it. THE MOST VALUABLE one. So, I think Nash’s lack of defensive skills are basically Helen not really watching out for herself with what a lunatic Locke really is and she keeps getting back together with him even though he’s a complete psycho and cannot leave his shitty dad alone. Seriously, imagine you’re pretty much a loser - I know, this will be tough - and you’re like 37 years old and you’ve got a shitty office job you don’t like and you’re single and the only hobby you’ve got is stalking your estranged father and you’re forced into going to an anger anonymous meeting- maybe you don’t need to imagine all of that, but like half of that stuff anyway… and out of the blue a hot person of similar age is like I want us to date and we can have sex immediately and here’s a key to my place and whenever you’re ready we can move in together and share a life together, but you have to stop stalking your estranged father. And you’re like… I don’t know… I might keep doing the stalking. Anyway, Locke’s crazy. And Helen does die in THE island timeline as her and Locke stop talking and he can’t find her (like Google existed in 2005, WTF) and then Abaddon finds her and she’s dead and they visit her cemetery and she was only 46 when she died, so that’s either like Nash never making it to a Finals and/or his two years with the Lakers. I don’t know.  

Fuck styles?! Well, I think Helen likes to bone, for sure. She’s full-on flirting with Locke and saying he’s only going to get hotter to her and she bangs him when he’s paralyzed and all that. So, call me crazy or controversial, but I think it’s really sexy when the person really wants to have sex and so do you. So, I think Helen’s about IT and that’s cool. She does seem to be giving as mentioned, so I think there’s a lot of communication going on and discussion. Not wishy-washy, but giving a lot of options. How about I get on top? Or we could do it from behind? She’s pretty straight-forward, so I think she’d maybe just say she’s going to get on top or that you should get on top or go down or up - I don’t know. What’s sex again? So, directions. I think Nash is the same way. I think he’s directing traffic. And I think both are fucking fast. I don’t know if I’m saying they’re quickie-stans or quickie-masters or whatever, but they definitely do them and they’ll have a more normal length sex session too. I just don’t think they’re doing like an hour long tantric slow paced fuck thing. They’ve got sex and orgasms to have and then they’ve got to run errands or do fast-twitch muscle drills.