LOST is NBA, NBA is LOST

Both of these men lost parts of their body and inturn had their lives saved by estranged family members. I’M NOT FUCKING AROUND WITH THIS LIST! Actually, I’m really really fucking around with this list, but let’s get to that bit later.  I fucking love(d) Zo! Oh man, I was all-in, ALL FUCKING IN, for the Charlotte Hornets when I was a kid. I was 8 years old and a just a bottomless pit of sports trivia when the teal, purple, and white drafted Larry Johnson and I loved me some Larry “Grand Ma Ma” Johnson. Man, I was a kid in New Jersey with a love for the Rebels of UNLV because of Larry and that made me a Hornets fan with an exclamation point mark. Besides UNLV, I fucking loved, LOVED, the Georgetown Hoyas. I had a hat and everything. Again, I have no actual connection to Georgetown or UNLV and if you asked me at any point during the 90s what two colleges I would apply to when it was time to - I would’ve for sure said Georgetown and UNLV and I would go on to apply to neither. No fucki...

Black Jesus! C’mon, Black Jesus and then there’s a saintly African priest who sacrifices his own life to save his older brother’s?! I said, ‘C’mon!’ Of course, Black Jesus aka The Pearl aka Black Magic aka The Lord’s Prayer aka Einstein aka Thomas Edison has GOT TO BE our favorite Nigerian holy man who dies by gunshot wound while protecting his druglord brother inside the heroin plane that crashes on THE island, which is the same THE island his aforementioned brother crashes on years later in a different plane filled with more people and less heroin. C’mon! I’ll be honest, I’d never heard the later half of those nicknames for the one and only Earl Monroe of the great city Philadelphia. Pearl? Sure. Black Jesus? Yep. Black Magic? Another yep. Either way, Earl Monroe was so damn cool- it’s crazy he didn’t play in the ABA. Am I wrong about that? Anyway, Earl was one of those classic ballplayers that I heard about growing up as what made basketball exciting to watch. Sure, I’m from New Jer...

Deep down, you know Liam was better than Charlie. C’mon! Be honest with yourself. For once! Let’s just be real, like really real, and let’s all admit that Charlie was a full on creep and Liam wouldn’t have kidnapped and punched Sun ever. Ever. Never ever. There’s no way that smooth-singing, pre-Rob Pattinson good-looking Brit/stringbean would have dragged his friend’s wife into the jungle and beat her up and, even worse, would’ve mimed eating peanut butter out of a jar with his finger on a beach to gaslight a pregnant woman who he’s been full on creeping on.  And Pau would never either. Never! I’m not saying Marc Gasol would. I’m only saying Pau would never. Pau was raised by a loving and intelligent parental unit consisting of a mommy doctor and a daddy nurse administrator in Barthelona, España. I just want to say that this is not a hit piece on Marc Gasol. He seems lovely. I still haven’t looked at the rest of the list and unless this list was written by Marc Gasol, I’m guessing ...

First thing first, did I forget to talk about Alex English’s fuck game? You know if you’re doing geometry or analytical philosophy and you have a list of ‘givens’- English’s fuck game is strong and smooth. Francis Heatherton? Is he an English ‘zaddy’? Yes. Ok, settled.  DAVE! DANNY! We’re talking bad attitude, we’re talking rough and ready, we’re talking tanglers with a short(er) man’s complex. Yeah, we’re talking white scrapping men! Wooooo!  Let’s just get this out of the way, I know that Dave Cowens is 6’9”. I also know that 6’9” is not short in the real world. But we’re not talking about the ‘real’ world. We’re not talking about Puck. We’re not talking about Puck’s fake ass bike messenger schtick. We’re not talking about Irene. We’re not talking about Irene’s Lyme disease or Irene getting slapped in the face and fucking laughing about it like a champ. We’re not talking about Jamie Chung. We’re not talking about Jamie Chung becoming a legitimate actor with a lengthy IMDB fi...

I mean, they’re both English. Right? RIGHT?! Man, this shit is easy. Light work. Light. Work. Ok!  Honestly, Alex English just deserved better like the Larry O’Brien trophy. Honestly, Francis just deserved better like not to have a heroin junkie, former celebrity to fuck his daughter and try to steal things from his house. But we’re getting ahead of ourselves.  He’s a classic, all-timer, point-scorer, team leader, franchise highpoint, and it just sucks he was playing in the west in the 80’s and was tangling with the offensive octopus known as the Lakeshow also known as Magic Johnson’s Lakers featuring the all-time point scorer Kareem Abdul-Jabbar also also known as the Los Angeles Lakers who won 5 NBA championships also known as like every other damn year in the 1980’s they were the damn champs. Alex just deserved that much more, just once, you know? 8x All-star, ‘83 scoring champ, averaged over 25 points per game for 8 consecutive years? That’s crazy- should’ve got a ring....

‘Pistol’ Pete and Hurley’s grandfather would’ve had a lot to talk about over an ice cold lager. You can picture it, right? I can. I’m going to that place right now in my head. It’s folksy. It’s charming. Hah! Tito made a real dad joke and Pete loved it and it was so good to hear Pete laugh that it made me laugh. They’re getting along famously. What’s that? I have to go back to the waking world? I don’t belong in the Dream? It’s not my time? Oh, ok. Yeah, I’m at the computer. Okie dokie.  We’re talking ‘workhorses’. You know what a workhorse is. Google docs knows what it is. No red squiggly line underneath. It’s a word- workhorse. Pete and Tito were workhorses. Mr. Pistol was famed for not only the speed and frenetic pace of his play through college and through his pro career, but the man made the game harder on himself for famously shooting from what would’ve been the 3 point arc BEFORE there was a 3 point arc. BREAKING NEWS: the NBA didn’t always have 3 pointers! So, Pete made a n...

Leader. Straight-shooter. Class. These are words with meanings, sometimes multiple meanings, that describe both one of the purest scorers in NBA history - Bernard King - and the Captain of the LAPD - Teresa Cortez. King bounced around the NBA forever and never really lost his touch, but was plagued by injuries and never reached the team success seemingly his talent should have. Cortez appeared in one episode of Lost as the mother and boss of Ana Lucia aka Michelle Rodriguez's character. In that episode, no one had a bad word to say about this woman and actually quite the opposite as it was clear Ana Lucia had always been in her mother's shadow, so much so, her own mother wondered why she made it a point to work at her precinct. This was supposed to show I believe similarities with Jack's character and his esteemed father Christian. So, everyone has high praise for Cortez and her only real baggage is her daughter who is a bit of a loose cannon (so much so later she murders a...

YEP! Is it too early to be dumping out Boone and Shannon on this list? First, how dare you question me! Second, they both die fairly early on on Lost, so GET OFF MY BACK. And c'mon, wherever Boone went, Shannon wasn't far behind and vice versa and the two of them had sexual intercourse. Does that mean Bob Lanier and Tony Parker had sex? Maybe. Prove me wrong!   Seriously though, Shannon spoke French and Tony speaks French. I HAD TO DO IT! It's like the numbers - 4 8 15 16 23 42 - made me do it. I didn't make Shannon learn French and live in Paris and date a piece of shit boyfriend there who had a little boy who absolutely hated Shannon and then she used the French she learned to translate the French distress call and later the French annotations on a map. I didn't do that. So, Shannon speaks French and is from America and Tony speaks French and is from Belgium. Not like Danielle Rousseau who speaks French and is from France. BIG DISTINCTION.     Besides French (I me...

Hell yeah! BOONE! BOB! BOB! BOONE! That sexy oak of a man, Bob Lanier, plagued by knee injuries and living in the shadow of his own hype is exactly Boone. Also, Bob played in the 70s and 80s, which is a billion years ago, which is akin to Boone basically only existing in the first season of Lost. Back to Boone being like an injury-riddled, 8x all-star, and perennial playoffer- it's fucking Boone. Boone! First season of Lost, Boone was involved in all of the shit and he was always getting hurt from said shit. Nearly drowned trying to save that rando woman even though he was a lifeguard (which we never see a flashback about), gets beat up for stealing the water, gets emotionally injured by his step-sister and once-lover Shannon like every freakin' second of his freakin' life, he gets beat up another time and I'm forgetting why, he gets hogtied and drugged in the jungle by his mentor John Locke (which is fucking RRRRRRIPE for slash fan fic aka gay fan fic aka fan fic) he u...

Aka former Marine Corp turned merc Martin Keamy. I like Lillard, but I'm calling recency bias on Lillard being on this list and the penalty for that is he's a big ole' turd dick character you're hoping gets his life got asap. Either way, Lillard is a highly-paid, offensive killer, famed the world over for one buzzer beater shot, and is the leader of a fairly unlikable crew, marooned out west somewhere. Sounds a lot like Keamy to me! He's a top dollar gun for hire paid by the richest man in the Lost universe Charles Widmore to hunt and seemingly kill Ben Linus, he oversaw a group of his jock sniffing mercs who shot guns and intimidated the scientists on the freighter, and one day Keamy finally got the nerve to get on the island and that's where he committed the shot of shots to the back of Ben Linus' 'adopted' daughter's head. So, Dame's shot destroyed the hope of the OKC Thunder tribal lands, Keamy's shot destroyed the little goodness lef...

Yeah, no one wagged their proverbial finger more than Jack's fucking Dad. I love(d) Dikembe Mutombo and this isn't a negative, but he's the great negater. That's just how he played the game. In football, they straight up call one side of the ball - defense and their job is shutting down people's dreams. And I fucking love it. And that's what Dikembe did on the hardwood. The number two all-time shotblocker (Does that mean Jack is Hakeem Olajuwon? We may find out together. Who knows if my crazy ass will continue this or not.) was living or dying denying as a center presence for many teams and guess what Dr. Shephard was an all-time denier to many characters on Lost. Christian was a denier of love and respect to his son, a denier of his second family and daughter (CLAIRE!) in Australia to basically everyone ever, and a big time denier of what a fucking liquor licking lush he was as he denied the truth about how drunk he was when he was operating on that woman who d...

The 4x scoring champ who played it both in the NBA and ABA is paralleled by The Dharma Initiative's original leader and mathematician. We all know that The Dharma Initiative is the ABA. Both peaked in the 70s. Nothing screams The Dharma Initiative more than a team like the Kentucky Colonels, it's the old shit. And the 'Gentle Giant' of the ABA was the 7'2" Artis. This monicker was about both his size and demeanor. This, of course, fits for Horace, but in a more metaphorical sense as he was the calm, firm but fair authority that oversaw The Dharma Initiative's move to the island, science projects, building of a community, and negotiations and peace agreements with The Others. And Horace was quite short, like inenviably (a word that should be a word) short. So, the giant bit is about his presence, his brain as he was apart of genius level science experiments that included time travel, and let's be honest - his dick. You didn't ask me, nay request me, ...

Good question!  The world is caught in a stranglehold by a mysterious virus and one of the first notable casualties was the suspension of the 2019-2020 NBA season. SMASH CUT : the domino effect of cancelling live sports. SMASH CUT : ESPN floundering to replace that wealth of content with other sports-related content to fill this 24/7 media machine like replaying old playoff games of any sport one can think of, playing sports movies like ' Remember the Titans ', and, the old stand-by time-filler, LISTS . Lists about players or teams or sports or whatever one can make a list about to offer as content to the sports fans in this quarantine times.  Thus, ESPN's ranking the top 74 NBA players of all time -  https://www.espn.com/nba/story/_/id/29105574/ranking-top-74-nba-players-all-nos-74-41 .  While ESPN was busy making this list in their quarantine, my wife and I have been busy rewatching ' Lost ' on Hulu . Obviously, I decided to take the logical next step and make ...