#66 - Dave Cowens is Danny Pickett

First thing first, did I forget to talk about Alex English’s fuck game? You know if you’re doing geometry or analytical philosophy and you have a list of ‘givens’- English’s fuck game is strong and smooth. Francis Heatherton? Is he an English ‘zaddy’? Yes. Ok, settled. 

DAVE! DANNY! We’re talking bad attitude, we’re talking rough and ready, we’re talking tanglers with a short(er) man’s complex. Yeah, we’re talking white scrapping men! Wooooo! 

Let’s just get this out of the way, I know that Dave Cowens is 6’9”. I also know that 6’9” is not short in the real world. But we’re not talking about the ‘real’ world. We’re not talking about Puck. We’re not talking about Puck’s fake ass bike messenger schtick. We’re not talking about Irene. We’re not talking about Irene’s Lyme disease or Irene getting slapped in the face and fucking laughing about it like a champ. We’re not talking about Jamie Chung. We’re not talking about Jamie Chung becoming a legitimate actor with a lengthy IMDB filmography including an impressive voice-acting career. We’re not talking about The Miz! We’re not talking about how The Miz became a way more impactful and successful WWE superstar than I’m comfortable genuinely discussing. That’s not what we’re talking about. What we ARE talking about is playing CENTER in the NaTiOnAl BaSkEtBaLl AsSoCiAtIoN where the damn average ass height is 7 feet tall. In that world, Cowens is a shorty. 

Cowens was a bad dude. 6’9” and taking over the center spot from arguably the greatest Bill Russell and he had Bill Russell to thank for even getting the job as supposedly the almighty Bill told the Celts to take Cowens. Who was Cowens? He was a rebounder, he was a scorer, he was a (non-racially-coded) hustler, and he was a fouler. Dude would get into fights. He wasn’t afraid to hit anybody down there trying to grab rebounds. I mean, if you’re as short as that motherfucker was and fighting seven footers- you’d be fighting too or you wouldn’t be playing for the Celtics, that’s for sure. With that, Cowens was a leader on and off the court. He led the team in every statistical category and led a team through example with a motor on him to 2 NBA Championships and the dude was the league MVP in ‘73. 

Danny? Danny Pickett is a short man (objectively) who likes to feed people knuckle sammies every chance he gets and he’s certainly a man of authority leading a group of bad apples into battle. Are the Celtics ‘bad apples’ like Ben Linus’ Others? Yes. You either are from Boston and like the Celtics or you’re not from Boston and recognize that franchise as villains. Is Ben Linus gonna be Bill Russell? I don’t know. But Ben is clearly an all-timer in Lost- he’s smart, he’s a killer, he’s a leader, he’s a survivor, and so on and that guy handed the torch to the fun-size fighter Danny Pickett to wrangle the plane people, lay down the law, taze people, lock them in bear cages, and even execute people if need be. So, yeah, I think Pickett had those qualities of leading by example as he was the first one out there to punch someone in the face or taze someone and his men and women were ready to do the same. I mean, check out his wife- Paula. You want to judge a person by the people they keep close, well his marital relationship was with a woman who led a midnight boat hijacking. It didn’t end well for Paula, but she was in the water at midnight, she was climbing into a boat under the cover of darkness, she was ready to do whatever was necessary to take that boat, and she was leading that mission. Helluva wife, dude. 

Also, Dave Cowens is a republican and you fucking know Danny Pickett was too. He’s on a tropical island with magic powers and he’s playing prison warden- that’s a super republican. That’s a republican who actually says he’s going to run for office and then fuck up the papers and not get on the ballot and then decide you’re not going to run, exactly like Cowens. 

How are these men in bed? Oof, I mean I just said that whole thing about their republicanism, so yeah it ain’t great. Sex is like a chore that needs to be done every so often to prove to themselves they’re a real man and they spend half the time trying not to imagine their dad yelling at them at the moment they cum.