#67 - Alex English is Francis Heatherton

I mean, they’re both English. Right? RIGHT?! Man, this shit is easy. Light work. Light. Work. Ok! 

Honestly, Alex English just deserved better like the Larry O’Brien trophy. Honestly, Francis just deserved better like not to have a heroin junkie, former celebrity to fuck his daughter and try to steal things from his house. But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. 

He’s a classic, all-timer, point-scorer, team leader, franchise highpoint, and it just sucks he was playing in the west in the 80’s and was tangling with the offensive octopus known as the Lakeshow also known as Magic Johnson’s Lakers featuring the all-time point scorer Kareem Abdul-Jabbar also also known as the Los Angeles Lakers who won 5 NBA championships also known as like every other damn year in the 1980’s they were the damn champs. Alex just deserved that much more, just once, you know? 8x All-star, ‘83 scoring champ, averaged over 25 points per game for 8 consecutive years? That’s crazy- should’ve got a ring. 

Sounds a lot like another man who did everything he could in this world and, objectively, had it all, but life kind of held back on him in one notable area. Why don’t I tell you about him? Sounds a lot like Francis Heatherton to me, you may know him as the owner/founder of the Heatherton Corporation. A man of great wealth, success, built the business from nothing, was about to buy a paper company in Slough, a beautiful home in Knightsbridge (England), father to a charming daughter Lucy Heatherton, and the guardian of Sir Winston Churchill’s cigarette case*. 

Alex was the Denver Nuggets, he was the tops in basically every team statistic after a decade of play for them, and had his number retired. Francis owned his own company, got his name on all the ledgers and shit, and made tons of money doing it. Alex as mentioned was awarded many times over for his incredible play, Francis had Churchill’s cigarette case. That’s that. And Alex as great as he played, as great as that team was, as close as they got- no trophy. And Francis as great as a dad - a single-dad?, a widower? - as he clearly was to the lovely and tall Lucy, she was seen as easy prey and used by Charlie Pace - bassists and back-up singer to the one-hit wonder Driveshaft - who was a heroin addict who just wanted to steal things from their house to pay for his drug debts. That’s that. 

I mean, who is going to argue that they’re not same? And they’re both ENGLISH! 

*What the fuck was going on with that? Is that a thing? I guess it is. People just having some famous dead person’s things. Like any random famous dead person’s thing. Did he buy that at an auction? Were they auctioning Winston Churchill’s possessions? Why? For cash? Do the Churchill’s need money? Or for charity? Like the Churchill’s just went through their attic or whatever English people call ‘attics’, probably the ‘toolletoom’, and snagged his cigarette case. What else was up for auction? Ye’ ole’ cum rag! Yeah, I said it. A man whose got a cigarette case has got some other weird shit. I mean, that’s just the above board version of this. Is Francis Heatherton a midnight graverobber? Is he apart of a high-stakes graverobbery syndicate? How is graverobber one word, but Google docs is saying graverobbery is two words? Rich people legit can be up to anything at anytime and they get off on owning things like way more than your average Funko pop addict. So, maybe he robbed or paid someone to rob Churchill’s grave. Maybe. Maybe he was worse than Charlie and we never knew. Nah, Charlie sucked. Speaking of, Charlie and his shit mate talking trash about Lucy. Lucy?! Fucking hell. Not to be a sizeist, but she’d have to walk on her damn knees to see up to either of those shorties. Lovely woman from a well-to-do family, drinking at a dive-y pub with her friends and laughing like the day is long, and yeah she’ll even fuck a one-hit wonder musician for the story, even try to turn his life around. Fucking hell- give that woman a damn medal. A medal like the J. Walter Kennedy Citizenship Award that Alex English won in 1988 for his outstanding work in the ‘community’.