#74 - Artis Gilmore is Horace Goodspeed

The 4x scoring champ who played it both in the NBA and ABA is paralleled by The Dharma Initiative's original leader and mathematician.

We all know that The Dharma Initiative is the ABA. Both peaked in the 70s. Nothing screams The Dharma Initiative more than a team like the Kentucky Colonels, it's the old shit. And the 'Gentle Giant' of the ABA was the 7'2" Artis. This monicker was about both his size and demeanor. This, of course, fits for Horace, but in a more metaphorical sense as he was the calm, firm but fair authority that oversaw The Dharma Initiative's move to the island, science projects, building of a community, and negotiations and peace agreements with The Others.

And Horace was quite short, like inenviably (a word that should be a word) short. So, the giant bit is about his presence, his brain as he was apart of genius level science experiments that included time travel, and let's be honest - his dick. You didn't ask me, nay request me, to write about Lost and the NBA and not explicitly desire me to talk about dicks, butts, boobs, perversions in general. So, if you knew anything about the 7'2" Artis Gilmore, he had a hog. He's SEVEN FOOT TWO! He's gotta have a hog and a half. Maybe 2 hogs. Like the length of two hogs, not two literal hogs aka dicks.

Now, Horace, you know he passes the smell test of having a big ole' hog for 3 reasons - 1. dude's got big dick energy for again starting The Dharma Initiative and then leading it to an island to do time travel tests all while dealing with an insurgent guerrilla army hiding in the trees waiting for him to slip up, 2. he's an ugly man with a hot wife who I'm also guessing is younger than him and he woos this woman seemingly days after her husband is murdered in front of her, she never cheats on him even though there is a lot of drugs and hot ass running around that island and it's the 70's, he bangs her up so good that he impregnates her and she gives birth on an island that usually kills pregnant women before they even make it to the third trimester (which some would say that she was pregnant and gave birth before other events took place to have changed the island, but I say it's just his damn sperm), and 3. his hog smells terrible, he looks dirty as shit in his coveralls every time you see him and it's got to be big because it stinks so damn much. I think I got a little 'lost' on that one.

Anyway, they both have memorable hair- Artis with his gigantic afro and Horace with his dirty, insanely fake looking long wig hair. And Artis Gilmore's wife was for whatever reason named after the WWII bomber that dropped the atom bomb on Hiroshima and that really has nothing to do with Horace per say, but thought I should mention it. Oh yeah, and there's a bit about Horace being a drunk and then later being a ghost and Artis Gilmore is somehow still haunting the Earth at 7'2" and 72 years fucking old. Godbless you, Artis!