LOST is NBA, NBA is LOST

GREEK FREAK. Hands down the funniest and best nickname in THE league today. At least, off the top of my head that’s the #1 spot. Ok, so if you watch THE league then you know who the hell Giannis Antetokounmpo. As for Achara? Do you remember Achara? This is a deep cut character, I’ll say that. Although, Achara does share a good chunk of one episode with Dr. Jack- yeah, it’s one episode. One weird episode. One problematic episode, probably. So, it’s the alluring Phuket, Thailand tattooist mystic and the fucking GREEK FREAK.  First and foremost, I was shocked to see Giannis on this list. I’m not a Giannis skeptic or Giannis truther or anything- dude is incredible. He’s 6’11” and moves like the wind and is really enjoyable to watch cut through guys and, at times, score at will. But… uhhhh… give me a fucking break. NUMBER TWENTY SEVEN?! OF ALL-TIME. Remember when I was shocked to see Anthony Davis on this list? Remember when I was shocked to see Damian Lillard on this list? Like either ...

I’m right. I’m fucking right! There’s gonna be a lot of pushback on this one and it’s because most people are wrong and don’t know what they’re talking about. Ok. Just saying. But like most absolutely brilliant breakthrough moments of human history, the light of truth is so blinding that people are squinting or having closed their eyes at first and once their stupid fucking retinas’ rods and cones just accept the light and reality then it all comes into focus and they can fucking see that THE greatest assistman and stealsman and, easily, one of the greatest to ever play the poszish of point guardsman - John motherfucking Stockton - is THE island’s favorite thief, con artist, nickname machine, old popcultural referencer, avid book reader, and, generally forgiven racist Republican blowhard (REDUNDANT MUCH!) James Ford aka Sawyer.  Absolutely, no fucking one will break either of the longest time Utah Jazzman’s assist or steals records. No fucking one. Seriously, there are some profess...

Fuck. Been waiting on this one for a minute. LET ME REITERATE- this list by ESPN is RANKING the NBA players and my list is NOT RANKING the ‘Lost’ characters. I’m just reiterating that for the dozenth time because THAT’S HOW MUCH I LIKE SOME OF THESE ‘LOST’ CHARACTERS. So, NOT FOR A SECOND, do you get the chance to think that I am not ride or die with the King herself Kate Austen. Yes, she’s a King. She’s royalty both in America and on THE island and on our television sets. King Kate Austen, a true icon as a thief, a fighter, a crier, a lover, a fighter, a friend, a killer, a tracker, a caretaker, a bank robber, a passionate low rise jean wearer, a liar, a moral compass, a rising phoenix of a well-tailored blazer with skirt or suit pants wearer, an avid climber, and, strangely, a complete innocent as to how a towing cable works on a truck. I very much am a big fan of Kate Austen. And that is one reason as to why Kate is one of my favorite basketball players of all-MOTHERFUCKING-time All...

Givers. Objectively, very attractive white people who have looked very attractive in a variety of hairstyles, but, yes, givers. Givers and speedy and they know what they want and they’re giving it to you to take. And you’ve seen them with like long hair and shoulder length hair and like ponytail and like flared out hair and they look good with all those looks. They’ve got looks and they serve them is what I think I’m saying. Serving looks and serving basketballs to larger basketballers to put those basketballs into the hoop for them and serving peace and confidence to lonely angry men who are obsessed with their very abusive fathers. Ok, so the former is more for the former and the latter is more for the latter, but they’re kind of the same thing at their core and that’s kind of what the point of this blog is, right? NASH! NORWOOD! LET’S GO! Stephen John Nash OC OBC. What the fuck is that? CANADIANS! And he isn’t even like ‘from’ Canada. Dude’s from English/Welsh parents and was born i...

#ACAB Yes, today, we’re talking about a cop and, yes, All Cops Are Bastards. And, this fictional cop is all sorts of bastard and so is this basketballer as well. That’s why they’re so perfect for each other! You know, the basketballer I’m going to write about here and I will introduce him momentarily was always kind of thought of as an asshole in my memory and I never really thought that was a bad thing. I don’t know if I thought he was a bad guy because he was purportedly an asshole. Like the idea that he’s an asshole is one thing, especially, if other guys who also could be considered an asshole think he’s an asshole because he was an asshole to them. But down the line, he turned out to be a bad dude with paternity issues and famously/infamously sexual harassment while he was he head of basketball operations for the Knicks, which was amazingly right before he was the head coach of the Knicks. So, Isiah Thomas sucks and so does fictional United States Marshal Edward Mars.  Let me ...

We’re talking sky is the limit potential, nay the bounds of SPACE is the limit potential, but a quick exit. IT’S LIKE the potential is HERE, but what we get is h e r e. That make sense? I already know that this is going to sound like to me that I don’t like James Harden nor do I respect his abilities, which is far from the truth like FAR as opposed to f a r, but I am going to be critical about him in that I think he’s like the best version of a Tracy McGrady/Carmelo Anthony hybrid. So, BIG SEASONAL SUCCESS and BIG STATISTICAL SUCCESS, so big I’m typing it in all caps, but yeah not any real post-season success and maybe they’re too much of a one-man band and I really should just get on with it. Anyway, James Harden is Matthew Abaddon who is played by the inimitable Lance Reddick as this enigmatic associate of Charles Widmore who super abruptly exits the show after only being on for 4 episodes.  JAMES! Mr. Harden is arguably THE league’s greatest offensive weapon. Over the past decad...

Oh yeah! Two all-time greats, two unconventional beauties, two stars of a famed team, two Eastern European sounding last names. It’s all there! They’re perfect for each other. Arguably, the most important teammate of Bill Russell’s Boston Celtics who then maybe more impressively distinguished himself as a multiple time champion with the Celtics after Russell retired- John ‘Hondo’ Havlicek. I don’t even know if I need to say ‘arguably’, but whatever I like throwing in those modifiers anyway. So, Hondo is the Oceanic airlines pilot turned mercenary turned Oceanic airlines pilot yet again who is THE pilot of both THE helicopter that gets the mercs onto THE island and off of THE island, but he is THE pilot that gets THE candidates onto THE island and then later - whoever is still left alive and wants to actually leave THE island - off of THE island- Frank Lapidus.  26,395 points is a fuck ton of points. I just want to say that. It’s not the most amount of points or anything, but that’s...

Hogs. Hogs. HOGS. HOGS!!! Hogs! Hogs. HOGS. HOGS! HOGS. Hogs. Hogs. Hogs! Just look at that fucking picture of George Mikan. The world was obsessed with the size of this man. It’s 1945, World War II has ended, troops are coming home, we’re settling back into this post-war new normal- what does this country need to bring them together? Let’s stare at this 6’10” white man and make him dress in the tiniest shorts possible and let’s take lurid photographs looking right up his taint and let’s just use the littlest imagination possible to picture this dude just swanging it all over the wanton faces and asses of Pittsburghans at DePaul University. Right? That’s what we needed to heal! And then put him in some professional basketball league! I don’t care whether it is called the BAA or the NBA- get this man out there in the world with his long legs especially the third one and let’s heal imaging this horned rim glasses wearing motherfucker horning us and rimming us and you get it. YES! That’s ...

Had to! Had. To. As mentioned before with Gary Payton et al, when I’m talking the best stealers in NBA history - need to pair them with a thief. A real thief too. A mean thief. A legit bad dude thief for the #2 all-time steals leader Jason Kidd. We all know that Kidd is respected for a lot - hard defense, steely steals, abundance of assists, a competent scorer in his own right - but he’s also a bad dude. Not known for being a good dude. ‘Lost’ has a lot of thieves and scam artists and all that, and most of them are people we end up rooting for, but not Anthony Cooper. Legitimately, one of the true bad dudes on the show with absolutely no redemptive arc whatsoever - just plain bad through and through - is Anthony Cooper aka John Locke’s nefarious dad and he fits pretty perfectly with the 10x All-Star Kidd.  Steals and assists. Assists are scams. Did I say this already? I feel like I may have said this, but an assist is like running a scam on the other team’s defense. Moving the ball...

Oh yeah, real ‘old man yells at cloud’ energy from these two. OMYAC? A couple of OMYACs! Just two unsettling white men who ‘NO TRESPASSING’ signs all over their property, whether big or small, and even if you’re in the process of picking up your dog’s poop with a dog poop bag they’re going to say something about cleaning up after your dog and you’re like ‘I know I’m doing that’ and you secretly wish their house catches on fire or something. What? I’m just saying when it comes to Boston Celtics legend and Dharma Initiative’s Head of Research they seem like shitty, angry old dudes no matter what age they are and they’d probably pick a fight with you over something completely insignificant and you’d be like ‘Whatever, man!’ and then spend the rest of your day thinking ‘Should I have like attacked that old man? Nah, he’s probably got a gun and what would be the point anyway. Just better not to interact with that weirdo at all.’ Right? The Boston Celtics of the 1980s somehow feel like they ...