#50 - Wes Unseld is Bram

Thick thighs save lives! Just two big ole’ ham hunks. I guess I’m going fuck styles right off the bat and say for those into big ole’ ham hunk, thick thighing, flesh mountains then Bram and Wes Unseld are your dudes. Wes is way more cut, jacked diesel than Bram, but Bram is more bear/body-hairy, so they both have their quirks depending on how you like your wide, trunk thumpin’ men. Is it weird me just outright talking about a man who just passed away at 75 years old - from health complications due to pneumonia that could very well have been COVID related too - and how he was as a lover and/or as a sexual icon to onlookers? I mean, maybe, but I also mean- let’s fucking celebrate this man! WES! You fucking made those tiny shorts look good. Damn he had some thighs. 

Sex with either Wes or Bram has got to be sweaty. If we’re time-traveling the awesomely afroed 1978 NBA champion and Finals MVP of the Washington Bullets to right now and you’re fucking him in let’s say a bed and you don’t have those moisture wicking performance sheets- those sheets are gonna be soaked! Same with if you have built some parallel dimension device that brings together all the necessary molecules to create life that has been speculated upon but has never actually existed and you bring forth BRAM from this dark matter and you fuck him let’s say on a bed- YOU BETTER HAVE THOSE MOISTURE WICKING SHEETS! I’m telling you! They better be made out of bamboo or fine linen or something. They better be light, they better not have a super high thread count, and you better get a fan going because that boy is going to sweat and that sex is going to stink up that room. Bram and Wes are gonna give it and never gonna quit it, and it ain’t gonna be pretty, but damn just get those sheets. GET THEM. What lies in the shadow of the statue? These sweaty ass, been fucking thiccums. And they need a shower, pronto. 

What else? These thickfreaknesses both played for one team and one team only in the pros- the Bullets and Jacob’s squad of Smoke Monster killing candidates or whatever, respectively. I mean the first, the Bullets! From Baltimore to the Capital to Washington, the Bullets has the number 2 overall pick in the 1968 draft and boy did they not fuck that up. I don’t even understand this and it’s just fucking insane, but Wes Unseld was both Rookie of the Year and the MVP of the damn league the same fucking year. THAT’S INSANE! Insane. How is that even fucking possible? Wes scored some points in his time, but he was more of a rebounder and defensive force. You know what must’ve sucked?! Trying to get a damn rebound against the Bullets as they had two of the best all-time rebounders in Wes and, no doubt somewhere on this list, Elvin Hayes. Two of the best! Two of the best crashing the boards. Oof. But you know what was also a pretty big ass rebound? Bram bringing Miles back to THE island for this end of days final season of ‘Lost’ because yeah that does happen. It’s a rebound. It counts. 

Bram also seemingly helps bring the rest of the people back to THE island. Like I know Ilana got Sayid, but Ilana and Bram play for the same team and maybe Bram like drove Ilana somewhere or maybe got her something like maybe he helped her pick out that fancy dress and boots. Who knows. And you know what’s a real big MVP move by Bram? Uhhhh, carrying John Locke’s dead ass body all over two islands to get that body to Jacob’s lair and showing everyone that the John Locke who is walking around THE island is an imposter Locke because they have a dead John Locke body in a storage container. And while Elvin Hayes was the scorer and shooter and all that, Wes was the durable, big body Elvin could depend on and we all know that’s Ilana and Bram or even maybe Jacob with Bram too. And we don't need to get into the whole Bram gets his ass handed to him by the Smoke Monster. We just don't.

And, yes, I know Wes is Kevin Love's godfather, which is cool. Really makes me like Kevin Love more. Anyway, Wes was a beast. 6’7” center and fucking good at it too. And I bet that man got sweaty in the sack. Rest in power to a thicc one.