#43 - Rick Barry is Dr. Leslie Arzt

Arzt! Barry! You knew it. You knew it! Who had it on their BINGO board? Who had it?! Raise your hand. C’mon, you knew that the high percentage shooter/scorer of the ABA/NBA era famed for being a champion of both leagues and for his extraordinary use of the underhand free throw would be paired with THE island roastmaster general who was previously a doctorate having high school science teacher with an incredibly odd backstory in catfishing to Australia which I had never known before reading that like a minute ago and whose life ended in a fiery explosion. You knew it! YOU FUCKING KNEW IT. Fuck you, I’m so predictable. I know. Sorry! 

Yeah, so Rick Barry, I guess the pride of Roselle Park High School, New Jersey, scored a shit ton of points in the ABA/NBA and won a championship in both leagues, which is wild, and he was a big deal in college and he also was good at steals and yeah he’s a great ball player. So, I’m saying Rick’s high accuracy shooting is similar to Leslie’s fast and furious verbal skewering of some of the famed members of Oceanic flight 815. I know people think Sawyer was the one with the quick wit, but he sucks. Sawyer is pretty much Dennis Miller in that he’s a bag of dumb references with the same setup and they’re both shitty ass Republican boot lickers. So, Arzt is the one who is really the first to break that fourth wall and talk shit on Hurley and Jack and Kate and really the whole show as his character kind of lampoons the idea that while a plane crash happened and 40+ people survived and they’re all going about on THE island that it’s really like 6 people who are the chosen few going off into the jungle and doing schemes and making all the decisions and all that. And you know who is the first dude to get a big ole’ zinger right between the eyes- STUPID ASS SAWYER! Sawyer’s like ‘DURRRRRRRR!!!!’ and Arzt is like ‘Shut up, you racist murderer!’ I mean, that’s not what happened, but it should’ve. 

What else? The two handed, underhand, ‘grandma’ free throw is exactly the type of shit some doctorate having high school science teacher would pull. You know? Especially, one as clearly jilted as Arzt is. Also, Barry is a pretty pissy guy himself. Like he refused to play for the Virginia Squires in the ABA and apparently said it’s because he didn’t want his kids to grow up with southern accents. YIKES. Yeah, I mean that’s a pretty New Jersey thing to say too. It was also because he wanted more money I think, but whatever. Well, they’ve been through some divorces and some remarriages. That’s something. That’s a lot of something. Yeesh. Actually, they were both married 3x. That’s crazy. But Arzt did also divorce his third wife too, so a tad different. Rick Barry has had FIVE sons play some form of professional basketball. That’s fucking dumb. Isn’t it? That’s so strange. Brent Barry is definitely the most famous of them who would later win a championship with the Spurs, but more importantly win a FUCKING DUNK CONTEST. Yeah, so Arzt was in Australia prior to the plane crash because he had catfished a woman like 90 Day Fiance style. Isn’t that fucking weird? He uses a picture of his friend ‘Nick’ and catfishes some woman and goes to Australia to meet her and then goes on a date with her in Australia and she sees he’s not Nick and she bounces mid-meal without telling him. She ghosts him!

The big thing that Arzt does is blow up. Literally. So, the gang decides to hump it to the slave ship aka The Black Rock to get the dynamite to blow up THE hatch door and Arzt is like ‘I’m cumming’ because he knows how unstable dynamite is and he needs to be there to help them. So, they do all that and then when they get to the dynamite he explains all the dangerousness of it and then promptly blows himself up with that dynamite. I feel like that’s akin to Barry being a NBA broadcaster who decides to say Bill Russell has a ‘watermelon eating grin’ and is promptly fired for saying racist shit. BOOM! I mean I wish Rick Barry had legit exploded like he was waving around a stick of unstable dynamite like Arzt when he said that racist shit, especially because he said it about like living-god Bill Russell. Seriously, if I could press a button to make anyone/everyone who ever said a single racist thing about Bill Russell explode like they were waving around a stick of unstable dynamite like Dr. Arzt - I fucking would and I would be smiling a fucking watermelon eating grin doing it. Because I fucking eat watermelon. Not until a few years ago because I had terrible eating habits, but in my thirties I have incorporated more fruits and veggies into my diet, which I had fully neglected in my teens and 20s. So, I EAT WATERMELONS, YOU FUCKS! Oh, and I’m white. Like so white. Like literally so pale white it’s crazy it isn’t an illness. Ok, so BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE. Remember that? Um, I guess Arzt collecting bugs including the Medusa spider, which is used to paralyze both Nikki and Paulo is Barry being the MVP of the 1975 NBA Finals. 

Fuck styles? You know, I don’t really know if these guys would’ve really had similar fuck styles. Rick was a 6’7”, professional athlete and Arzt is this whiny high school teacher. But there are stories of Barry being pretty unlikable as I mentioned two, but there are others apparently. So, yeah, maybe they would’ve had similar fuck styles and I feel like deep down they really just wanted to be dominated, but had a lot of shame in that, which led to these divorces as they were never happy with their sex life and more so how their partner didn’t do what they wanted. And that was really on them because they never communicated that properly. So, yeah, ass up, head down - I think they both just wanted their white asses spanked. I think I’m done. Good.