#44 - Elvin Hayes is Ana Lucia Cortez

Hell yeah! First thing first, Michelle Rodriguez is low rise jeans. She’s the epitome of low rise jeans, she’s the ruling authority on low rise jeans, low rise jeans exist to have found Michelle Rodriguez and to live with a waist line just just just just above her mons pubis and to define a stripe of pure, naked skin below her tanktop or t-shirt or cut-off leather jacket. In Plato’s theory of forms, Michelle Rodrigues IS low rise jeans. And I obviously was going to find a picture that illustrated such, not difficult to find at all, but I was unsure if I was going to find a picture of the one and the fucking only Elvin Hayes that could match that fucking energy and BOOM - did that. Fuck, look at Elvin in that photo! If that could be bottled to be drunk, if that could be bottled to be spritzed from a diffuser, if that could be bottled into a gel and used on a poof as a body wash! IF ONLY! IF. ONLY. Fuck. Yes. 

Growing up and being into basketball and being into becoming a chubby, above average height, strawberry blonde encyclopedia for all things sports- two names stuck out from basketball pre-my existence Elvin Hayes and Elgin Baylor. Not that either has anything to do with another besides being awesome at basketball and rarely if ever hearing names similar to that again. Sometimes I get them confused because they were simply names to me at first, but it didn’t matter in the sense that either one was describing someone who kicked ass on the court. I’m guessing Elgin is on this list as well, but who knows. Wasn’t expecting Anthony Davis, so whatever. Let’s focus on Elvin. ELVIN HAYES! I talked about Elvin’s teammate and ass kicking partner Wes Unseld a few posts back- they were CHAMPIONS. And as great as Wes was including being the MVP of that finals, Elvin was the premiere talent on that 1978 Bullets championship team. Elvin is undeniably one of the all-time greatest scorers and rebounders in the sport’s history. Elvin retired with over 27,000 points and over 16,000 rebounds, and yeah 1,000+ blocks too. 

Tough as shit, team leader, shooter, all around badass who can pop a damn hip - I think we all know Elvin is Ana Lucia Cortez. Fuck yeah. Ana Lucia is the former cop turned drunk for hire turned point of the spear of the Tailies from Oceanic flight 815. And by tip of the spear, I do also mean the one she ran right through Goodwin’s chest and killed that sneaky philandering fuck. Before we get to the good stuff, really the only negative thing that Ana Lucia does knowingly in my opinion is have sex with Sawyer. Sawyer sucks. Spoiler alert! Spoiler sucks. Ana Lucia does fuck Sawyer to steal something from him, but still. Dude sucks. Thank G-to-the-O-to-the-D that Ana Lucia doesn’t bang Christian Shephard. That seems like a really real possibility during that Australia storyline pre-flight-crash where they’re both in ‘Leaving Las Vegas’ mode drunk. There’s two super uncomfortable storylines with Christian where it seems like he’s going to have sex with Michelle Rodriguez and with Julie Bowen and, thankfully, neither happens, but yuckers. ANYWAY, Ana Lucia kicks ass. She kicks people’s asses from the jump. The first thing we know about her is that she was a pregnant cop who got shot by a criminal and the baby died and instead of identifying the guy when he’s arrested, she waits til he gets out of jail and then fucking murders the dude. ANA LUCIA GETS SHIT DONE. That’s like Elvin Hayes winning the ‘game of the century’ in college against a certain Lew Alcindor aka Kareem Abdul Jabbar, which was the first televised regular season college bball game. ELVIN GETS SHIT DONE. By the way, Elvin Hayes is also a cop. LIGHT WORK. 

Elvin led a bunch of rough and tumblees to an NBA championship and Ana Lucia leads a bunch of rough and tumblees through like 40 days of survival while The Others are trying to kill them every which way but loose and gets them across the damn THE island to meet up with the rest of the survivors. Ana Lucia is in it. Like they’re attacked night after night when landing on THE island and it’s really up to her and Mr. Eko to sort shit out and while Eko is a wrecking crew, he’s also going through a damn mental full-on, grief restructuring of his whole brain more or less, so he’s not the easiest to rely on. It’s basically Ana as the leader and do-er and she has her sounding boards of Libby, Cindy, and Bernard to a lesser extent, and then Eko comes on in to help shit get done while being completely mute when he’s not off like vision questing. So, Ana killing some The Others on the beach that first night is like Elvin being the NBA scoring champion his rookie year, right? Sussing out that there was an Other among them and then fucking killing that Other aka Goodwin, that’s probably Elvin being a 12x All-Star. I think NBA championship is keeping the Tailies alive and then reuniting with the rest of the survivors. Ana Lucia killing Shannon by accident when she’s all juiced up thinking The Others are after them, which they are, and Shannon just comes bumrushing through the woods for no reason instead of having like a normal conversation with Mr. long ass fingernails Sayid? I don’t know, but I don’t really think that’s Ana Lucia’s fault. Seriously, what the hell was Shannon doing? But yeah, Ana Lucia was a little trigger happy, she do be a cop. 

Also, I don’t know if we actually know any of this to be certain, but Ana Lucia seems like a person who has overcame bullying and people doubting her. They hint at the whole idea that she’s got her cop mom as her cop boss and that’s super tough on her, so she did not take the easy road there at all. Meanwhile, Elvin Hayes’ story is centered around him being 6’5” as a 14 year old and bullied a lot and he then shits on everyone on the court and becomes a big deal college ball player who is the top rival of arguably the greatest center of all-time in Kareem. So, bullies are the real heroes? No! That’s not what I’m saying at all. 

Fuck styles? They’re both sexy and know how to be sexy. Look at those damn pics! #StrongEqualsSexy So, that’s first thing first with the sex is they’re sexy and then after that I think there’s some serious, kind of mad fucking in their fuck styles as they have some serious baggage they’re working through while working their engorged organs into and onto or against other engorged organs.