#62 - Dennis Rodman is Jacob

They both are non-Koreans who can speak Korean, they both ‘worm’ their way into a lot of people’s lives, they both are ‘protectors’ one of THE island and one of THE hoop, they both have bizarre, trauma-filled childhoods, they’re both international travelers, both seem to kind of just pop up everywhere, both are pretty much chameleons, both speak Korean and you wouldn’t guess that they did speak Korean in the typical prejudicial way we do guess that when judging a book by its cover … did I say that already? Let’s get into it! 

Dennis Rodman is fucking awesome. If someone ever gets around to updating the American mythological figures - from the likes of boring ass Paul Bunyan who is basically exactly who you’d think Paul Bunyan would be but a lot taller … really creative, you turds - they should just write Dennis Rodman’s life story and you don’t even need to change his name because it’s so insane that even for Dennis fucking Rodman it seems too insane to be true. Let’s skip ahead to Dennis as one of the greatest specialists in NBA history, The Worm was a lockdown defender for ballers of all sizes and was a rebounding wunderkind. Tough, strong, determined, focused, and just an out-and-out weapon. Dennis has a whole hand covered in NBA championship rings and it’s because he could absolutely destroy on one side of the court and be completely egoless on the other.

The real ‘Worm’ aka Jacob is some kid whose mom gets whacked by some random woman after giving birth to him and his brother on THE island. He is a complete dork with anger issues who becomes the ‘protector’ of THE island after his mom unsuccessfully tries to kill his brother. From there, he spends who knows how many days/decades tricking people into coming to THE island to play out some weird ‘Lord of the Flies’ scenario for him to oversee from the sidelines and judge if the people turn out to be good or evil. Beyond that, he knits. Jacob kind of sucks.

As for the similarities, Dennis has played for a bunch of teams some good and some bad and some you’ve never even heard of and he did it forever. Jacob is also a serial teamsmen as said he is fixated on bringing people to THE island by worming himself into their lives all over the damn planet and getting them to do what he wants them to do. And once on THE island, he’s all about his world’s rules and order, which is cute because Dennis Rodman is a member of the New World Order, NWO 4 LIFE. Jacob crashes Sun and Jin’s wedding and then culturally appropriates their language and Dennis Rodman loves (North) Korea and can speak their language quite well. At any given time, Jacob could be outside a church in like Texas giving a kid a pen to write a fantasy-fulfillment murder letter or he could be in like a convenience store in like Texas again paying for a kid’s lunch box or maybe he’s in a hospital’s surgical waiting area in Los Angeles giving a candy bar to the chief of staff, and I think this completely applies to Dennis as well. Dennis could definitely be doing anything, anywhere, at any given time. 

Easily the biggest disparity between the two is that Dennis Rodman has had countless amounts of sex with different people including Carmen Electra and Madonna, and Jacob is definitely a virgin. A big ole’ goose egg virgin boy. Didn’t I just mention someone was a virgin? Yemi! Yeah, Yemi’s a virgin, Hurley’s a virgin, Ben Linus is a virgin, and Jacob is a virgin. That’s FOUR already. Jacob is raised with his mom, who he only finds out isn’t his biological mom until after she’s dead I believe and is really a murderer who does adopt him and raise him as her own, and his brother. While his relationship with his mom is creepy, I didn’t get any incest vibe from it. I did get a lot of  inCEL vibe from Jacob who is a white momma’s boy who lives at home, is scared to death of immigrants and believes THE island is his to protect from them even though his mom emigrated to THE island, he’s got super bad anger issues, as an adult interacts with children who do not know him at all, and the rest of the time he just knits and talks without emotion. 

So, Jacob is a virgin/incel and Dennis Rodman is a fuck machine and a noted fuck machine of good looking people, I do think the two of them are similar in that they’re both voyeurs. I don’t even think I have to go out on a limb on this AT ALL. Jacob’s got a lighthouse with a magic mirror in it that can see anywhere on the damn planet and he’s watched people (children) grow up their whole lives, let alone whatever he watches them do on THE island. So, yeah, he’s definitely a weird freak voyeur. Let’s be honest for a fucking moment, you definitely know Dennis Rodman is in some orgy clubs or even hosting many orgy nights at his house and is just chillaxing on a couch with a cigar in one hand and he’s rolling on god knows what pills and then some liquor in the other hand and he’s just enjoying the view of like every type of sex happening ever in front of him. You know that has happened a million times in his life. A million. And you know those people are giving it their all too because they’re fucking for a 5x NBA champion!