#52 - Tracy McGrady is Jae Lee

Family, scorer, world traveler, shortened career, and cool. Seriously, who didn’t like T-Mac? No one! Everyone liked Tracy McGrady. In that post-Jordan and pre-Lebron era of the NBA dominated by the villainous Lakers and/or the emotionally absent Spurs, one of the most exciting playmakers and highlight reel ready stars was Tracy McGrady.

T-Mac was one of way too many high schoolers who went from a McDonalds All-Star game directly into professional basketball competition. This is fucking crazy- a year into Tracy being in the league with the Raptors, they drafted his cousin Vince Carter who was 2 years older than him. Damn! They need to start paying college players! Take that waste of wealth on these old shit NCAA fuck fucks and these old shit college dean fuck fucks and these old shit college coaches fuck fucks and give the fucking money to the players who are earning this money. DAMN IT! And then you wouldn’t have basically tall ass kids in the NBA and you’d start to have a robust college bball world like we had in the 80s. Anyway, you know who also got into business at a young age with family members? Jae fucking Lee!

Who’s the Korean private dick (hotelier heir) that’s a sex machine to all the chicks (of Seoul, SK and Cambridge, Mass)? Jae Lee! You’re damn right! Ok, I can do better with that ‘Shaft’ parody. Hmmm… Who’s the hotel heir that’s a sex machine and had an affair? Jae Lee! You’re damn right! That’s fine. It works. I’m not getting paid for this - like an NCAA athlete who earns millions upon millions for dumb ass colleges - , so it definitely works. Yeah, Jae Lee is the heir to the Seoul Gateway Hotel who is a friend to the common man and shows the doorman to his hotel some human respect before requesting his boutonnière, and that doorman is Jin. So, everyone just shits on fishing boy turned professional door opener Jin, but Jae talks to him like a person then asks if he can take his boutonnière - something ‘normal’ people do, right? - and then waltzes into the hotel he owns as the heir of it and sits across from arguably the prettiest gal in town - Sun. Oh yeah, so this family arranged date of two hot heirs is going real well and Sun is like dripping over Jae and it finally seems like Sun is going to meet someone in life that she likes, but BLAM Jae reveals he’s going to America and he wants to fall in love and not have an arranged marriage, which is like Tracy McGrady having a baller year with the Raptors and his cousin Vince Carter including this super fun dunk contest against each other and everyone thinking that’s the damn future of the NBA - but Tracy wants to be traded and he goes to fucking Orlando to play with Grant Hill. 

Orlando Magic is Jae’s Harvard and Grant Hill is Jae’s prospects of fucking American women. HELL YEAH! Of course, after a few years of T-Mac and Jae dibbling and dribbling and dunking and funking/fucking- T-Mac gets back-to-back scoring titles and I’m just going to say that this slim, bald, wealthy af, kind-eyes-haver named Jae was no doubt earning some scoring titles of his own in every nook, cranny, Lisa, and Jessica all over Boston, Mass. But it’s time to move on and find a new adventure and that’s for T-Mac to go to Houston and for Jae to go back to Seoul. And both Tracy and Jae go to their particular city for a particular person and to have an affair. Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah! Tracy joins up with Yao fucking Ming - Mr. I’m SEVEN FUCKING FOUR - and the two proceed to have an affair with the idea of being NBA champions. I mean it’s a constant flirtation that the Houston Rockets are going to kill it in the playoffs after winning 50+ games that season and then like nothing happens. Win 50+ games and then lose in the first round of the playoffs 3 out of 4 years and then win 50+ games and lose in the second round of the playoffs. Just a fucking affair. Tease, flirtation, raw sexuality, but yeah just an affair. 

Meanwhile, Jae is having a literal affair with Sun. Sexy fucking Sun. And his bald ass, Bic bald, Mr. Clean bald ass head is just literally fucking Sun every which way in the fancy ass hotel penthouse that he owns. The affair is that Sun is married to Jin, which is a-whole-other-fucking-thing and now Jin is becoming mean and distant like Sun’s own dad who Jin is working for, so she wants to learn English and one day flee to America to escape both her dad and her husband. And in between learning a few vowels and conjunctions, Sun and Jae are mashing their swollen and slick genitals together just fucking over and over again and not using any form of contraception either. We later learn that Jae’s bald ass head isn’t the only engorged and hatless bald ass head just doing what it wants and getting rubbed and squirting. Yeah, ok, I don’t know if I BELIEVE that Jae can squirt out of his head, actually - SWEAT. Yeah, he’s squirting semen out of the little bald head into Sun’s wanton, married vagina and no doubt it’s some rigorous affair fucking, so his big bald head is squirting out sweat. I’m fine. Are you fine? I’m fine. Do you think Tracy McGrady taught Yao Ming English as well? Damn fucking straight, I bet he did. I bet money there’s even some advertisement somewhere showing Tracy teaching Yao English and Yao teaching Tracy some Mandarin. Honestly, the ad is probably racist as Yao had been speaking English for years before he met Tracy and they probably had Tracy teach Yao slang or something from rap music, so yeah don’t look up the ad. Look it up. Whatever. Maybe the real affair is the idea that Tracy and Yao would even really get to play together that much because Yao was dealing with crazy injuries pretty much the whole time Tracy was there. 

In the end, Tracy’s body was kind of done after a little over a decade in the league. He started to play less and less and rack up more and more injuries and bounced around a little in the league, Tracy even did a stint in a Chinese league too. I have a friend who lived in Beijing during all that when Yao was at his peak and he was a school teacher and he said all Chinese kids knew three American cities - New York City, Los Angeles, and Houston. It took him a minute to realize, but it was because of Yao. Yao Ming was enormous over there. I visited him in Beijing right before the 2008 Olympics and yeah there were billboards everywhere of Yao and there were several I saw of Yi Jianlian who had just started with the Bucks. Anyway, Tracy’s career slows down and he retires fairly young. Meanwhile, Jae gets the shit kicked out of him by Jin, but Jin doesn’t kill him and as Jin leaves the hotel, Jae throws himself from the penthouse and dies smashing into Jin’s car below aka suicide. So, yeah, I mean thankfully there’s no similarity there. Yeesh. 

Fuck styles? Well, Tracy started out as a sixth man in Toronto and then became the main attraction in Orlando and never really looked back after. Primarily, a point scorer. Tracy wasn’t really known as an assists man, but he certainly had some. I don’t want to call the guy selfish, I mean he’s a 2x scoring leader for a reason. I think Tracy is going to get his in the bedroom as many times as he can - 50 points worth if need be - and you might get yours as well in the process, but it ain’t going to be more than him. I’d say the same for Jae. I think Jae’s a bit out for himself. Not really considering what other people are going through. I mean you can go on a date with a beautiful woman that your parents set up without telling her about all the American women you’re fucking and you can definitely teach that same woman English or any woman English without also getting an erection and using it on her. Right? I think we can agree to that.