#54 - Paul Pierce is Mother

Let’s get the fuck into it- lived and ruled on an island by themselves for forever, island is full of hostiles, slow and steady but is a killer, has renewed life and purpose when two outsiders come to their island, suffers a stabbing, their body is left to rot on public display with one of those outsiders after passing on guardianship of their island and they do have a black and white token with them, and strict maternal vibe. 

Did I nail it or fucking what?! 

Paul Pierce aka ‘The Truth’ aka the guy who was just about killing himself each and every night for a cool decade by himself on the Boston Celtics. Mother was outright alone as the protector of the ‘Heart of the Island’ (championship legacy of Celtics past) from this crew of hostiles (aka Celtics fans) for years and we have no idea how difficult her struggles were or how long they went on for. And then, for Mother, a pregnant woman washed up on shore and Mother helped her give birth to two boy babies and then she promptly killed that woman and raised those children as her own. I guess Danny Ainge is the pregnant woman and the two boy babies Danny brings to THE Island of Boston are clearly Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen. Now, Paul doesn’t kill Danny Ainge. Like let me make that clear, I don’t think Paul Pierce killed Danny Ainge. I know Danny’s still around and I want to make it clear that I don’t think that Paul Pierce will kill Danny Ainge… but… if he do… ANYWAY…

New life and new purpose! Mother! MOTHER! Tell your children not to walk my way! We all know what happens- Mother has got those two kids and lives happy as a hog on a magical island with no explainable origin and Paul Pierce wins an NBA championship alongside Kevin and Ray in 2008 and is the MVP of the Finals. Just good fucking times! 

Mother seems cool and helps that woman birth her kids like the doula of one’s dreams, but blam she hits her with a rock on the head. I think that’s how she kills her. I forget actually. But blam! That’s Paul Pierce. Kind of like Manu Ginobli, Paul Pierce never looked like he was blazing fast and blazing past people on the court, but he just has this easy stride that almost lulls guys into thinking they can handle it … then Paul just dribble drives to the hoop or starts and stops and hits that jumper. It’s this rhythm he’s got going and he can get the other guys off-time and it’s something he seemed to really get working as he got into the meat of his career. It’s like he learned how to play people better as he went on. And Mother does that very thing to her son Man in Black as well as she slides up on him as he’s working on the wheel to harness the power of the ‘Heart of the Island’ and she gets him into his feelings and then BLAM she slams his mommy issues having head right onto that rock wall behind him. That’s kind of the beginning of the end right there. 

Man in Black survives the head bashing, shows up at Mother’s cave, and stabs her to death. Like Mother, Paul was stabbed 11 times and had a bottle broken over his head, which is super duper fucked up and had to have surgery to repair his lung. Unlike Mother, Paul survived that shit and somehow played fucking 82 fucking games that same year. THE TRUTH! Unreal. That’s just fucking wild. But both have been stabbed, can’t argue with me on that one. From there, Jacob killed his brother the Man in Black and tossed his body into the ‘Heart of the Island’, which turned his ‘soul’?? into the Smoke Monster for some reason and his body washed up on shore and Jacob took that body back to Mother’s cave and he laid Mother’s body and Man in Black’s body together and left them with a black rock and a white rock, which were the checkers that Jacob and MIB used when playing this checkers game they played. OK, so Man in Black is Kevin Garnett obviously in all of this and Paul Pierce is still Mother and their rotting bodies with the black and white rocks is them shuffling off this mortal coil and languishing on the Brooklyn Nets. Yeah, yeah, I know Paul then played a couple more years on other teams, but who cares. 

Fuck styles? Well, I think both need to be in charge. It always seemed like Rajon Rondo was the kid to the parents of Paul, Kevin, and Ray. Now, Ray has to be the archetypal abusive and ultimately absentee dad, so Kevin and Paul are the maternal #mombosses. Lots of eye contact, lots of checking in, lots of adjustments on their end and/or of you, and I’d bet lots of talking. I think both are coital chatty cathys or chatty cathys of coitus or coitus conversationalists.